It's Like Watching Chimps

The following comes from a paper I wrote for an English class a few years ago. The assignment was to find an advertisement in a magazine and write about it (you know, demographics and such). I'm particularly proud of the result. It was frustrating, though, because the version I eventually turned in had to be edited for content. There is a creative little man inside of me, and he occasionally gets the chance to burst out of my chest and breathe fresh air before impregnating and murdering most of the crew. But now that I have finally begun blogging, I have the opportunity to present a sort of "director's cut" version. The story behind the writing of this paper is pretty crazy, too, but that's for another time. Enjoy!



Until now, the intellectual world has always been perplexed, confused, and flummoxed by the average adolescent girl. Much time and effort have gone into studying the female of the species, but to little or no avail. Theories abound, but scientists have not yet been able to confirm anything. It seems the female collective is an exclusive club, and those of us with too deep a voice are not allowed either to join or to stand outside the window and watch. This lack of understanding has served to prevent many young men from experiencing the joys of romance. But now, at long last, researchers have discovered what may be the next best thing: An advertisement stolen from the pages of their very own publication! While this may not be as informative as sitting in on a “girl-talk” session, we can now at least determine which stereotypes this particular advertiser believes to be true.
The advertisement was retrieved from a copy of the latest issue of Teen Magazine. For those who don’t already know, Teen is a magazine which caters to 12 - 16 year old girls and perverts. The fact that it appeals to girls in this age group can be determined simply by the articles featured, particularly “Can This Relationship Be Saved?” and “50 Hottest Guys In Hollywood ” (most of which aren’t old enough to drink and are probably on Disney’s payroll). These articles stand out even further because it seems someone cut them up into smaller pieces, then rearranged those pieces in no particular order all over the page.
Since there is no mention of a company name on the advertisement itself (just a website), it is probably a product ad which serves as a sort of menu for every downloadable cell phone accessory known to man. This doesn’t seem to follow any of the marketing techniques mentioned in class or in the reading. There are no obvious appeals to logic, emotions or morality -or logos, pathos, and ethos according to Barnet and Bedau (65-66). If they were trying the “plain folks” technique, they failed (teenage girls never say “hunk” unless they’re violently ill). What is most striking about the ad is the use of at least 835 distinct, seizure inducing colors. The effect is such that a person could easily use this advertisement as a replacement for his broken kaleidoscope. Clearly girls like vibrant colors and shiny things. The layout of the ad is similar to my dorm room in that there is stuff everywhere. It seems to be divided into seven sections - ringtones, wallpapers, ordering instructions, “boy or girl” test, “future husband” test, movies, and the legal information - each of which is most likely designed to make the audience less and less intelligent.
The ringtones section is just a list of popular songs and sound effects that young girls might not mind hearing at least once an hour. This doesn’t say much about the nature of teenage girls, except that the advertisers clearly assume their audience has terrible taste in music. The real goldmine, however, is the wallpaper section because it features a variety of bumper-sticker-like phrases which most likely double as common life philosophies. Here, one can see that everything a young girl wants will fall into one of these four categories: ‘Cute’ (there are pictures of kittens and puppies), ‘attitude’ (“I’m hot and you know it”), ‘fashion’, and ‘hot guys.’ There are also ones that say things like “Caution: Blonde Thinking” and “I Love Bad Boys,” both of which confirm decades-old stereotypes. It is interesting to note that no two wallpapers use the same font or color scheme. Teen girls obviously have bad attitudes and are only interested in things that don’t matter.
The ordering information section is self-explanatory – all you have to do is text-message a certain code to a certain number. The “boy or girl” test, however, is somewhat disappointing because it apparently has nothing to do with gender-androgynous people; rather, it seems this is a service which promises to psychically predict the gender of your baby. It appears the advertisers are assuming that there is a significant amount of pregnant 13-year-olds.
The movies section is interesting because it claims that the “bestseller” is an animated picture of four inexperienced firefighters (you can tell they’re inexperienced because firefighters generally don’t last long without their shirts on). There is another picture here featuring a shirtless muscle-man with the label, “RED-HOT HUNK!” The presence of these pictures is no surprise given the apparently high number of preteens who are expecting. The “future husband test” includes a similar picture next to a promise to predict the name of the patron’s future husband. The specific wording of the promise and the presence of yet another oiled-up Jean-Claude VanDamme look-alike imply a sort of unspoken knowledge among girls: Namely, that teen girls all believe they will get married, and their future husband will be able to cook bacon on his own chest.
The legal information section is another surprise. It reveals that you can’t just buy one download and call it a day. Oh no, it’s a subscription service. Looks like you’ll be paying $10 a month for that “I <3>

After spending countless hours staring at this advertisement, what have researchers learned? They have learned that, according to the makers of this ad – and possibly the editors of Teen Magazine, too – girls between the ages of 12 and 16 are primarily frivolous, self-centered, sexually promiscuous, and only interested in “hot” men. They run to bright colors and puppy dogs like a moth flies to its’ death, and God forbid there should ever be a blonde one who reads more often than she primps. Perhaps some things really are better left a mystery.